im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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