It's Friday. Sex?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
