Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
