i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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