How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There's always time for handjobs
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize