Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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