I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
