yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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