my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
