is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
