2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
