life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
