we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
