I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
