1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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