I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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