I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
