I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
