omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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