Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
