On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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