we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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