TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
