6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
