If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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