god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
