I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
