wanna go halves on a baby?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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