apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
