I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
