did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
