dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
They took my balls.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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