My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
