i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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