There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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