i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
