Moan for me like Helen Keller
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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