Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
