You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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