did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
