Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize