god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
