I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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