Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize