Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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