Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
