Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
