im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
