Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize