Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
