I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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