fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
