This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
