Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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