If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
