just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
