just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
