I puked a lego.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
