you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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