I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
